Books Kill The Tree Spirits

Well, I had an interesting encounter today which I feel warranted a break from our "deep" stuff.

In my occupation (Christian Market Place) I occasionally encounter what I would deem as "weird" (at least weird to me) personalities and belief systems. If you are reading this blog and get offended by some of the beliefs which I deem "weird" because you may hold them then I apologize in advance.

Top FIVE Weird Encounters:

#5: The "Magic" of St. Joseph
If you've tired to sell your home recently (and happen to live in Southern Ontario) you would be well aware of just how difficult our market is right now. Now imagine there was a means to "magically" sell your home with easy... thanks to a little $8.99 statue of St. Joseph. But be careful because this little guy comes with very specific instructions. You must dig a hole somewhere in your yard and drop him in, but be warned: too close to the surface or too deep or too close to the house or too far and "whoops!" little Joseph boy won't do ya much good (he's very particular about where you put him). But that's right, if you do things correctly you'll have yourself a "sold" home in no time. This one is definitely on my top 5 of weird things people purchase when they come into my workplace.

#4: The Screamer
Shortly after I was hired I had received a very weird phone call. It was an elderly lady on the other end with a strong accent who began screaming into the phone. I had no idea what she was saying but every once in a while I could make out a word: "yard", "book", "TV", "slippers", etc. I attempted to slow her down: "Miss. Excuse me, miss, can't... no miss, can you please slow down... miss" - to no avail. Finally she said (quite abruptly) "okay then thank you Ba-bye" - click. I slowly put the phone down and turned just as my manager was walking by, "I just had a really weird call" to began to explain, "Was it the screamer?" she asked knowingly. Apparently this woman has been calling for years and still to this day I have the pleasure of entertaining one of her calls, the conversation now goes something like this: "huh, uh. Ooh, okay. Yeah? Cool. Okay bye now."

#3: We're All RIGHT and You're All WRONG
To make a blanket statement: folk Christians are among the most opinionated people I know. For starters, they all have their opinions of what a Christan resource store should carry. Secondly, all of their opinions are taught clearly as 'black and white' in the bible. And thirdly (the clincher) they all disagree with one another. Ponder what might result from those three points and you may get a glimpse of what I've gone through from time to time.

Allow me to present an actual case in point:

A customer had purchased a book about a man who was in a car accident, died (or so he claims), spent some time in Heaven and then revived to tell about it. About a week later she returned with the book in hand and threw it at me over the counter raving about the man's qualification's, "this man was a realtor for God's sake! Who is he to write a theology book on Heaven? You should not carry this title and if you continue to do so I'll write to your head-office informing them of my decision to go elsewhere!" My first thought was, if the man actually visited heaven, then what difference does it make whether he was a realtor or theologian?

But wait, my story is not over. The very next day (no less) a customer came in looking for the very same book, fortunate for her we now had one in stock. She already had a copy and was now buying one for a friend. She began ranting and raving about how incredible this book is and how much she learned about heaven that the bible doesn't reveal. Then she strongly encouraged (almost demanded) that we order a whole shipment of just the one book because "it's the best book ever". My first thought here was, if he's 'revealing' things about heaven that the bible does not teach then how are we to examine his claims? We can't. What he claims about heaven is now a "new revelation" and has taken up a position of authority along side the bible - at lease for that woman.

#2: The KJV'er!
If someone wants to purchase a King James bible all the power to them. I understand that a lot of people are simply "familiar" with that particular translation and many others (out of their own ignorance, and perhaps a little laziness in the 'research' area) see how it differs from other translations and therefore believes the KJV is the bible Paul used, and all the others will 'burn in hell' (as I was once told). But number #2 of the top weird personalities and beliefs I encounter are the KJV Only advocates. Those who believe that the King James bible dropped out of heaven in a "re-inspiration of the text" sort-a-way. Entire cults gather around turning the tree-turned-paper-and-ink-and-bonded leather into some glorified relic, but only if it has the words "Authorized King James Version" inscribed in gold on the spine of the book.

During a major Bible Marketing scheme that swept across the country some time back, the way in which bibles were to be displayed was to change. Instead of categorizing bibles by translation (KJV, NIV, NASB, NLT, etc), we were now to categorize them by type (Bibles for man, for women, devotional bibles, youth bibles, large print bibles, etc). The problem here of course was that the KJV no longer enjoyed its exclusive and segregated space on the shelf, rather it was now 'reduced' to the level of the NIV and others. The very hour which I finished categorizing the bible department, a head strong KJV Only advocate entered the bible area and ran from it horrified. He sought me out (in the gift department on the other side of the store), dragged me over to the Bibles, picked up a KJV and then challenged me to "grab a bible any bible" so he could show me all the differences in them - I had the joy of being raked back and forth over the coals of hell for good hour and a half until my manager finally 'rescued me' - I haven't seem him since.

And Finally, #1: The Billion Year Old Space Cadet
This one takes the cake. Today I was cashing out a customer and had a bit of a line up (two young ladies and an elderly couple behind them) when a middle aged (and dirty) man entered the store and began pacing up and down our book isles. He then began "butting" in line as it were and without warning he started flailing his arms about while yelling at the top of his lungs: "ALL THESE BOOKS ARE FROM HELL! GODS GONNA CONDEMN YOU ALL TO HELL! COMMENTARIES, COMMENTARIES, BOOKS, BOOKS THEY ARE ALL FROM THE DEVIL!" Then "I NEED A BIBLE, A NEW KING JAMES, I NEED IT NOW! I'LL NEVER FIND IT, I'LL NEVER FIND IT!!!" The elderly couple squeezed up close to the two young ladies in front of them horrified that this man might pull out a gun and start shooting; one of the young ladies leaned over the counter and whispered "good luck" before she left the store.

My manager came out of the offices and walked the man over to the bibles, he was still raving to her that he is going to leave God behind when he leaves the store and that God is going to Judge us all to hell for our books. She smiled and said "well that's your opinion", his response: "NOT MY OPINION, GOD'S OPINION! AND GOD AND I HAVE BEEN DOING BATTLE FOR BILLIONS OF YEARS OUT IN SPACE! AND GODS GOING TO JUDGE THIS PLACE FOR ALL IT'S BOOKS AND COMMENTARIES" - Then he bought a bible.

But before he Left he continued on about other stuff (I tried to pay attention but lost most of it altogether), about how he tested his 13 year old son with dope, how we are never to mention money to him because he is rich thanks to his pension and finally, as if to make sure we wouldn't forget he declared one last time: "THESE BOOKS ARE ALL FROM THE DEVIL. THEY KILL THE TREE SPIRITS AND GOD WILL JUDGE YOU ALL FOR THAT. GET RID OF THEM ALL NOW!"

Who was I to argue with a man who's been fighting side by side with God in a spaceship on other planets for billions of years - I'm only 29.

There you have it, the top five weird personalities and beliefs which I've encountered working in a Christian Market Place.

Derek